


Here I Stand

by NotaDroid (mjonhunt)



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjonhunt/pseuds/NotaDroid
Summary: AU fiction. In Season 3, the writers made a choice to have the Hotchner marriage fall apart. What if they found a way to work through their issues? Pairings will be RxP and HxH
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner, Emily Prentiss/Spencer Reid
Comments: 16
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: As I was watching old CM episodes, I saw the episode "Damaged". I've had in my head for a while to write a AU story where Hotch & Haley don't get divorced in Season 3, but find a way to work through things. My intent is to have this fic start at the episode "Damaged" through the end of Season 5. It might not be one chapter per episode, and I may skip a few episodes. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> chapter 1-10 originally posted on ffnt

_I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen._   
_\- Martin Luther_

As Aaron Hotchner drove the car, he thought that things could have gone better. He and Dr. Spencer Reid just finished conducting a custodial interview with convicted rapist and murderer Chester Hardwick.

The problem wasn't that it hadn't gone well so much as Aaron had created a dangerous situation. From the very beginning of the interview, he had the guard leave Chester locked in the room unrestrained with them. When Hotch had enough of Chester, it was during shift change. Chester was going to attack them, he had just told them he was going to kill them, and they both knew he wasn't bluffing.

Hotch tried to face off with him, when Reid distracted Chester by laying out a theory of why became a killer. It was just long enough for the guards to get there and prevent any problems.

"You were good in there," Hotch told Reid, suddenly feeling a need to break the silence.

"I do some of my best work in a state of pure panic," Reid said finding a way to be light-hearted and humble at the same time. It made Hotch feel worse about the situation he had gotten both of them into.

"I'm sorry," Hotch said.

"For what?" Reid seemed genuinely puzzled.

"I didn't help matters."

Reid considered that. "I suppose not," Reid said without any hint of recrimination.

It was Reid's lack of blame that made Hotch feel compelled to explain why he had acted so recklessly. "So Haley sent the divorce papers."

"Oh?"

"She just wants me to sign the papers to get everything over with, so no one wastes money on lawyers."

"What do you want?"

"I'm not going to get what I want," Hotch said with a feeling of despair.

"Why? What do you want?"

Hotch sighed. "I don't want to get divorced."

"Oh." Reid's response was just slightly louder than a whisper. Uncomfortable silence filled the car, and it stayed there for several minutes.

"So you're just going to give up?" Reid asked at last.

"There's nothing else to do."

"Yes, there is."

"She's made it clear she has no interest is staying together."

"Hotch, do you love her?"

"It's not that simple."

"I think it's an extremely simple question. Do you love her?"

"Reid," Hotch said in a tone that he hoped would induce the awkward silence that filled the car before.

"No Hotch, we came very close to a bad situation that could have ended up with one, or both us, in intensive care. You all but challenged Chester to a fist fight, so let's talk about this for a moment. Do you love Haley?"

Hotch was quiet for a moment. Reid was right about the precarious situation they barely managed to avoid, and it was because of Reid's quick thinking that defused the situation that Hotch created. Reid deserved answers to any question he cared to ask.

"Very much."

"Do you really want things to go on like they are? Not seeing her or Jack very often?"

"No. Not really."

"Then I think you should try to work through your problems."

"She doesn't want to."

"Did you ask her? Or are you just letting her leave because you feel guilty?"

"Guilty?"

"The only reason I can think of that you wouldn't be fighting to stay together is that you feel guilty about something. You've been working harder since Gideon left, is that the problem?"

Hotch was silent for a few moments.

"No. It happened before Gideon left. I was supposed to transfer to another unit, one with more regular hours."

"But you didn't."

"Staying with BAU meant Strauss would stay away and leave it alone."

"Is that really why you stayed?"

Hotch looked at Reid for a moment, not so long as to affect his driving, but just long enough to see if Reid was asking the question for information or because he already knew the answer.

"Are you trying to make a point, Reid?"

"I think you stayed because this is where you want to be. The problem is that you think Haley and the BAU is an either/or proposition."

"She seems to think so."

"It matters more if you think so."

"Why?"

"Because," Reid said,"if you think it isn't then you should convince her. That's if you really want to stay married to her."

"It would be better for her and Jack if.."

"No it wouldn't." Hotch could hear the irritation if Reid's voice. "It would not be better for either one of them if you left. If you want this to be over, that's one thing Hotch. But don't say it's Haley and don't act like you're making a sacrifice. And I think you need to figure you this out, if for no other reason because I might not be with you the next time you try to commit suicide by unsub."

Hotch didn't say a word, but instead pulled the car off on the shoulder. He turned the car off and looked at Reid, his gaze was partially baleful. Reid, surprisingly, didn't even blink.

"If you want to fight, that's fine Hotch," Reid said,"you'll probably win, but it won't change the fact that I'm right. You and I both know that's what you did in there. And maybe you won't do it again, but we can't be sure of that. You antagonized Chester from the moment we stepped into that room, after leaving the restraints off. Either you wanted to hurt him or you were hoping he would kill you."

Hotch unbuckled his seat belt, and got out of the car. "You drive,"he said.

A few minutes later, Reid was driving and Hotch just sat there in the passenger seat. He was trying to get his thoughts in order, and it was a struggle.


	2. Chapter 2

Reid drove the rest of the way back to Quantico, neither man breaking the awkward silence. When they were back Hotch barely spoke, except to apologize to Reid again for what happened with Chester.

Hotch went up to his office while Reid went to his desk in the bullpen.

Reid was surprised to see the rest of the team wasn't there. When he asked Garcia where eveyone was she seemed evasive. All she would say is that the team was working a old case of Rossi's. There was something more to it than that, Reid sensed, but he didn't pry any further.

He was working at his desk, fully absorbed in the files he was reading when he heard someone cough. Reid look up and saw it was a man. He was familiar to Reid. Where had he saw him before? Oh yes, the analyst who filled for Garcia. What was his name? Kevin. That was it, Kevin Lynch

"Excuse me," Kevin said,"is Agent Rossi around?"

"He's out," Reid said. "Is he expecting you?"

"No. But I do need to see him. We need to talk. Man-to-man."

"Well, I don't know when he'll be back. Of course, if you want to wait his office is right up there." Reid pointed to Rossi's office at the top of the catwalk, next to Hotch's office.

Reid watched Kevin walk up the stairs and hesitate when he got to Rossi's office. From his body language, he seemed to be having an internal debate with himself whether he really wanted to go inside. Then he walked inside Rossi's office.

A few seconds later, Hotch walked out of his office and saw Reid looking up.

"Reid, can I see you in my office for a few minutes?"

Reid nodded. As he walked up the stairs, he wondered if he was going to be reprimanded for his conduct on the way back from the prison. He walked up the stairs and closed the door behind him when he entered Hotch's office.

Hotch looked at him as if he was uncertain where to begin. "I owe you an apology, Reid," Hotch said at last.

"Hotch, you already apologized seven times for what happened with Chester Hardwick."

"Actually, I meant about how I behaved in the car. I was being immature."

"You're allowed."

"A man's allowed to yell fire in a theater. It doesn't make me want to follow him though."

"Maybe. But we aren't really talking about something so public. We were talking about your reaction to Haley, and that's incredibly private."

"Except I've allowed it to interfere with our work here. I'm just going to sign the papers and get this over with."

"Oh." Reid paused for a moment while he considered his next words. "If that's what you think is best. I mean, if that's what you really want to do."

"Those are sometimes two very different things."

"Maybe. Anyway, it's up to you."

Reid turned around to leave when Hotch said," you think I'm wrong to sign the papers, don't you?"

Reid sighed and said," It's your choice, not mine."

"That wasn't what I asked. Do you think I'm wrong?"

"It's a little complicated."

"Why?"

"Because...I think I'm wrong person to ask that question."

"Why?"

"Two reasons: One, I've never been in your position and two, I think I'm projecting my own personal history on your situation."

"I don't understand."

"I hear you say you're going to sign the papers, and I think of my Dad leaving when I was 10."

"I'm sorry."

Reid shrugged his shoulders. "It's not important, what my Dad did. At least, not for your situation. But, if I might just ask one question."

"What do I want?"

"No. Whose idea was getting divorced?"

"Haley's. A few weeks after she left."

"Did the two of you talk about it first?"

"No, not really."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"It doesn't matter. She decided."

"Why, because you didn't transfer out of the BAU?"

"I don't think that really matters. What matters is that this is what she wants."

"Are you sure this is what she wants?"

"She's doing everything she can to get me to sign the papers."

"That doesn't mean that's what she wants. It just might mean it what she thinks is the only answer that makes sense. Look, I don't know what led up to this and I don't need to know. Like I said, I'm the wrong person to ask advice from about relationships of any kind. But, it occurs to me you might think a little bit about what happened with Chester today."

"If you mean about how I acted in there..."

"It's not that. I told him that he didn't have a chance, that it's almost certain he would turn out like he did. We both know there's evidence to suggest that his genetic background and the environment he grew up certainly made him pre-disposed to become what he is, but it doesn't make it a certainty. There's always a choice. Now, you can choose to believe that your divorce is inevitable or ... " he paused. "Maybe it's worth a conversation with Haley and Jack before you sign the papers. "

"It's not that easy."

"I didn't say anything about this will be easy, Hotch. But I've never known you shrink away from something because it wasn't easy."

"Thanks Reid."

"For what?"

"Being a friend when I needed one."

"Oh. Yes well," Reid suddenly seemed uneasy, uncertain what to say next. "I'm just...Anytime."

Then he left.

A few hours later, the team was back from their case. Reid was distracted because he was thinking about his conversation with Hotch. He told Rossi that Kevin was waiting for him up in his office.

Reid didn't pay a lot of attention to the conversation, until he heard Emily say "Just when I thought nothing scandalous would ever happen here."

"What? What happened?" Reid asked.

"Didn't you hear what JJ said?"

Reid vaguely remembered JJ singing a song, but he didn't pay attention to it. "No, did the song mean something? I missed it."

Emily gave a look like he was crazy or a freak. He hated that look. He hated the look even worse when she was the one who gave it. There were sometimes he wondered if they could ever be something more. Close friends maybe or even...

But when she gave him that look.

"Never mind." Emily said and sat down.

Reid felt more perplexed than he had in a long time.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hotch had the divorce papers laid out in front of him. He kept thinking about what Reid said. He could just sign the papers. That would be the smart thing to do.

He picked up the phone and called Haley.

"I have the divorce papers in front of me," he said.

"Have you signed them?"

"No."

"Are you going to?"

"Not yet."

"Aaron, we talked about this."

"Did we? Mostly you became very adamant that this was the right thing to do and what I thought about it didn't seem to make much difference."

"Aaron," she began in her most irritated tone, "don't make me the bad guy here."

"I'm not. Look, I just..." he paused for a moment. "I just want to talk about this before I sign the papers, that's all."

"Fine. Talk."

"Not over the phone. I want to come see you, both of you. If by the time we're done talking, you still believe this is what's best I'll sign the papers right in front of you."

There were a long, pregnant pause.

"Fine," she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper.


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron was standing alone in his office, his go-bag was packed and sitting on his desk. His office seemed dark and lonely, almost like a cave, despite the ample natural light coming from the window. Aaron knew what he was going to do and he believed it was the right thing to do, but he was in his office instead of doing it. He looked out the window, not so much seeing the scenery outside as his reflection. He had to face what he was feeling right now, and it wasn't complicated.

He was afraid. He had no problem facing off against Strauss, dealing with local authorities, or facing unsubs but the prospect of going home to try and repair his relationship with his family filled him with paralyzing dread. It shouldn't be this hard, he thought. He was so deep in thought that he almost didn't hear David Rossi knock on his door.

"Hey, we've got a case," Rossi said.

Hotch turned around to face him.

There was something in way that Aaron looked at Rossi that gave the older agent a hint that something was wrong. Then Rossi saw Hotch's go-bag on the desk. "Either you've decided we're taking the case or that bag's going somewhere else." Rossi said.

The look Hotch gave him made him realize that something was definitely up.

"I need a favor," Hotch said.

"Of course."

"I need to take some personal time. A day at the most."

"Take all the time you need," Rossi said. Whatever Hotch was going to do, Rossi could see it was eating him from the inside out.

"Haley sent the divorce papers."

"I thought she sent them a few weeks ago."

"She did. I didn't sign them. She agreed to talk to me face to face." There was a tense moment of silence. "I can't lose her Dave. " Hotch's voice was thick with emotion.

Rossi put his hand on Hotch's shoulder, "Take all the time you need, Aaron. We've got this."

"Thanks," Hotch said.

"I mean it," Dave said,"We've got this. You do what you have do, and don't worry about us. I've never regretted anything as much as the fact none of my marriages lasted."

Hotch nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

"If there's any doubt," Emily said, "Don't those families have right to know?"

They were in briefing room going over the possible case. On the surface it didn't look like a BAU case. There was a spike of suicides in Pittsburgh in the aftermath of a community center fire. There wasn't a unanimous consensus on the case. Morgan didn't think it was a case. Emily was clearly advocating for it.

Reid...

Reid wasn't coming out and advocating for the case exactly. He was just stating facts which supported the conclusion something was unusual about the situation.

That left JJ. She was silent about it. Except she brought them the case to begin with, and Rossi realized by now she screened out the cases she didn't think were worth the teams attention. Plus, her facial expression told him she thought it was important. As Rossi was thinking about it, he saw Hotch walk out of his office with his go-bag slung over his shoulder.

_Good Luck, Aaron. I hope you don't have to join the FBI failed marriage club. We've got too many members as it is._

Rossi turned around and looked at JJ. "Tell Det. Baleman we're coming to Pittsburgh."

Rossi could see that Morgan wasn't happy about it, but Rossi never worried if he decisions made people happy before. Besides, even if there wasn't any compelling evidence there was an unsub at work, it sure felt like it. And that was enough for Rossi.

* * *

While the team debated the case and made their preparations to depart, Aaron Hotchner drove to Haley's house.

Her house, not his anymore. The house they had shared was vacant. She would move back there when the divorce was final and not before, at least that what she said when she sent him the divorce papers.

But hopefully the divorce would never be final. All he had to was convince her not to divorce him. There was a time it would have been a simple case to make, all he would have to was to transfer out of the BAU. The problem was that he didn't do it. And now ...

The lawyer in him was struggling to come up with an argument to convince her not to go through with the divorce. It wasn't like he could tell her that he would make more time to be at home, she knew the long hours were part of the job. It was why the transfer out of the BAU made sense.

_It made sense to her, not to you Aaron._

The thought made Aaron ponder why had he chosen to stay? Was is to protect the team from Strauss? Did he really believe she would tear it apart if he wasn't there? Did he really believe that Strauss had it in for the team?

Maybe.

_That's not going to cut it Aaron, and you know it. If you want to save your marriage, to have any chance, you are going to have to explain why you stayed. Why you invest so much energy in doing your job. You have to tell her the real reason you stay._

It felt like the right thing to do. The team needed me too.

_If you're going to lie to yourself and Haley, you might as well sign the papers right now. You know the real reason you stay and it has nothing to do with the team or Erin Strauss._

The voice in his head was beginning to sound like Reid. There was a time the thought would sound like Jason Gideon. Aaron wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not that Reid's voice took over a role Gideon once fulfilled.

_You know the real reason. It was the same reason you picked a fight with Chester Hardwick._

I picked a fight with Chester because of the divorce papers.

_Who's lying now?_

The internal voice didn't sound Reid anymore. It sounded like Chester.

No it didn't. He knew exactly who's voice was in his head now. The voice that was always in his head, ever since he was a boy.

The man who showed Aaron at an early age that monsters were real, the world could be harsh, and Aaron had better learn how to fight.

His father.

Not Ray Hotchner, but his actual biological father. The one who used to hit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gone over a number of past episodes that have parts of Hotch's back story, but they don't fit together nicely. So, I've tried to find a way to weave them together in a way that makes sense. We'll see more of this in the next chapter, where I promise that Hotch and Haley will have their talk.


	4. Chapter 4

Hotch's stomach tightened as he walked to the door of Haley's house. It would have been so much easier if he just signed the divorce papers.

_You are such a pansy._

It had been a while since he heard his father's voice in his head. Aaron knew it wasn't a good sign, but he didn't know what he could do about it now. He walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

Haley opened the door.

"Hi Aaron."

"Hi."

"Come in."

Hotch went inside. He had been thinking about this encounter for days, and now that he was here, he wasn't sure how to start.

"Jack isn't here," Haley said.

"Where is he?"

"He's with my sister. I thought we should be alone when we talk. Did you bring the divorce papers?"

"Yes."

"Did you sign them?"

"No."

"Why not? What is it that you want Aaron?"

"I don't want to get divorced. I don't want this to end. There has to be some way we can work this out."

"It's too late."

"Why?"

"Because you chose the BAU over us."

"That's not what happened, Haley."

"The hell it isn't. You were going to transfer to White Collar and you chose to stay with the BAU."

"Haley, it isn't a one or the other proposition."

"Yes it is. Aaron. You can be part of the BAU or you can be a part of our family, but you can't be both."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't depend on you if you're part of the BAU. I never know if the next call means you're gone to who knows where. You are never really off duty. You are always on call. You work insane hours. You can't control when you work and I know that Aaron. But here's what I know more than anything else, you chose to stay. You could have had an assignment with sane work hours and you chose the BAU. You had a choice, us or the BAU and you chose the BAU."

"I chose the BAU because it's where I belong. I know the hours aren't ideal, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that you feel it's either you or the BAU, but this is where I need to be. This is the work I need to do."

"We've talked about this Aaron."

"No, we haven't. You decided I should to transfer out and when I didn't, you left. Ever since then, you don't talk about it. When we've talked on the phone, you ask if I've transferred. When I say no, you say you were right to leave and hang up. Then you decided you wanted a divorce. Once I got the papers you kept hounding me to sign them. I'm not going to sign them. You're wrong. I love you. I always have and I always will, and I want you to be happy. But I will not leave the BAU. I will not just step aside so you can get on with your life."

"What's her name?"

"Excuse me?"

"I know you Aaron, and in so many ways you are just like your father. He was a good man, but he worked too hard and he had affairs. I think you liked the ways things were, but I don't. It suddenly occurred to me that you like having a wife and a home and maybe you like the BAU because of someone who's there. So, what's her name?"

For a minute Aaron couldn't talk. He almost couldn't breathe. He couldn't imagine that Haley would think he was unfaithful. The one thing he hated about Ray Hotchner was that he had affairs. But Aaron would never, _ever_ , cheat on Haley.

"You're wrong," he said. It was a whisper. "You're wrong," he said again, a little louder.

"I don't believe you."

"I don't care if you believe me, but you are wrong about two things. First, I am not having an affair with anyone. Not now, not ever. And two, Ray Hotchner was not my father."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am not Ray Hotchner's biological son. He raised me, and he was Sean's father. He was the only father you knew I had, but he wasn't my father. Not my biological father, anyway"

"Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?"

"For a lot of reasons, mostly because for all his faults Ray was a better man than my biological father. You're right, he worked too hard and he had affairs, but he never hit me."

"Your father hit you?"

"He hit me. He hit Mom. He was a bully who ruled his family through fear and violence, until I was 10."

"What happened then?"

"Well, like I said, he was a bully. Bullies are cowards who are good at fighting people who are weaker than they are. When I was ten I stood up to him,and by that I mean I hit him back. He hit Mom and grabbed me by the shoulders and ..." Hotch didn't mean to tell Haley this much. He clenched his fists and turned away from her.

He felt her hand on his shoulder, "What happened?"

"I kicked him in the groin as hard as I could. He crumpled to the floor. It was the first time in my life that anyone made him seem small." Hotch turned around and faced Haley. She was surprised to see a tear was trickling down his cheek. "I've been thinking about it ever since you left. How about why I joined the FBI. I think everything I did: being a prosecutor, joining the police force, being SWAT, the FBI and the BAU...it's because he's still in here," he tapped his forehead. "But doing what I do, it makes him go away. I love you and I love Jack, but if I can't do the work I do, I'm going to die inside."

"I'm sorry Aaron." She was quiet for a moment then she spoke again," I'm sorry but it doesn't change anything. I wish you told me this before, but you see there is a darkness you bring home with you. I can't let Jack grow up in a home like that. I can't live like this. So, I'm afraid it is a choice between us or the BAU. That's just the way it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do feel I owe everyone a little explanation about what I've done with Hotch's back story. Giving Hotch two fathers seemed the logical way to explain a few inconsistencies if his back story, namely:
> 
> In "Natural Born Killer"(Season 1) he alludes to the fact he was abused;he told the unsub "Some people [who are abused] become killers...some hunt people who do"
> 
> In "Ashes & Dust" (Season 2) he tells a suspect that his father had affairs
> 
> The way he talked to Sean in "The Tribe" (Season 1) doesn't sound like his father was an abuser.
> 
> So, I gave him 1 father who was an abuser and one who wasn't.


	5. Chapter 5

Dave Rossi's phone went off. Dave's heart sank when his screen identified the caller as Aaron Hotchner. He knew if Aaron was calling so soon, then it wasn't a good sign.

"What's going on Aaron," he said.

"Are you in Quantico or Pittsburgh?"

"Pittsburgh. We took the case."

"What's the status?"

"Aaron, I thought I told you to keep your head there. What's going on with Haley?"

"I'll tell you when I get there."

"Aaron, if you need more time there..."

"It won't matter. She's made up her mind. I need to talk with Jack, then I'll be there."

When the call Dave put his cellphone away and had a deep feeling of regret. Sometimes he really hated being right.

When Hotch got off the phone with Rossi, he was in front of his sister-in-law's house. He was there to see Jack. Haley could tell Jack whatever she felt was appropriate. Hotch just wanted Jack to know no matter what happened, his father loved him very much.

Jessica let him into the house without a fuss. In spite of everything, she liked her brother-in-law. She hated what was happening, but she also believed in was inevitable. Jack was playing outside when Aaron got there. His father went outside, and Jessica chose to respect their privacy. She watched Jack hug his Dad, and she saw them start to play. About half an hour later, she saw what looked like the two of them having a talk, and she saw Jack hug Aaron. About ten minutes later Aaron left.

A little later Haley came over.

"So," Jessica said,"how did it go with Aaron?"

"Not good."

"I'm sorry Haley. I'm just so sorry." She gave her sister a comforting hug. "Did he sign the divorce papers?"

"No."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he refused to sign them. He wants to go to counseling before he'll sign the papers."

"Haley, he can't think that you can fix this, can he?"

"I don't know, Jess. I really don't know. I need to talk to Jack right now, okay."

Jessica nodded.

* * *

The case was over and the team was flying back. Reid was taking a nap on the bench. Emily was sitting across from Morgan, while JJ sat by herself talking on the phone. Dave sat across from Aaron.

"What happened with Haley?"

"It didn't go at all well. At the worst point, she accused me of having an affair."

"An affair? With who?"

"It doesn't matter, Dave. The point is, in her mind, it's a choice between her or the BAU. "

"What do you think?"

"I want both."

"Aaron, what if that's not possible?"

"In her mind it's not possible. After going back and forth with her for an hour I gave up. I talked to Jack and explained I wouldn't be around very much anymore."

"What did he say?"

"He told me it would be all right and gave me a hug."

"Smart kid."

They were both quiet for a moment, then Dave broke the silence.

"So, you signed the papers?"

"No."

"I thought you said you gave up?"

"I gave up on convincing her of anything, but I'm not signing the papers. We both said some things to each other we need to think about. I'll call her in a few days and we'll see what happens. I'm not giving up, not yet. It would be so easy to do that, but I'm not prepared to do that yet."

"Good for you."

* * *

After the team got back, they had paperwork to do at their desks. Then, little by little, they all went home. Spencer Reid was thinking about a lot of things as he made his way to the elevators. He knew Emily Prentiss was behind him, but he didn't attached any significance to it. It wasn't unusual for two or three of them to leave at the same time.

When they were in the elevator going down, she said,"You know, if you ever wanted to talk..."

"About what?"

"You know...about anything."

He looked at her expressive eyes. He knew that look, it was the same pitying look she had when Gideon left. She always wanted to talk, thinking that would make him feel better. He seldom felt better when talking about his problems with people. Talking through problems was, he knew, a female approach to situations. He wondered what made her think he needed to talk about anything.

"I'm okay," he said.

"I know. But if you needed to talk, about anything, you just have to call. I mean it."

There was something she was trying to say underneath her words, a subtext he should recognize. He didn't.

"I appreciate it."

The elevator opened and Reid walked to his car.

Emily looked after him. On the case, when he was talking about support groups and amends, there was a tone in his voice that caught her attention. It made her think his knowledge of support groups was more than casual. There was something none of them talked about, that Reid was a recovering drug addict.

They all knew what happened, what Tobias Henkel did to Reid, but they acted like it was in the past. But it never is, Emily realized. That's how it is with addicts, every day is a struggle against his addiction. The thought of how much he must struggle everyday made her feel sad. It made her want to just hold him and tell him everything was okay. He probably didn't realize she had waited until he was leaving to go home. He was so pre-occupied lately he probably didn't know how often she found herself looking at him.

As she saw him walk away, she wanted to go talk to him some more. Maybe she could draw him out. She thought about trying when her phone rang.

She looked at it, but didn't recognize the number.

"Hello," she said.

"Emily? It's Haley Hotchner."

"Mrs. Hotchner?"

"I think we need to talk."


	6. Chapter 6

One of the most sobering, frightening and disturbing phrases in the English language is "we need to talk." It's usually the precursor to tough words, bad news, or even an argument. It is even more disturbing when the person saying it is your boss's estranged wife. Some people, when receiving a phone call like that might hang up the phone. Other people might suggest to the caller that no, they don't need to talk. Still others, out of a sense of loyalty to their boss, might give the person a pointed dissertation of what this person had done to their boss and colleague.

Not Emily Prentiss, though. As she stood in the parking lot of the BAU with Haley Hotchner on her cellphone simply said,"Oh? I don't know really know why you would need to talk to me." She managed to keep a level voice.

"It's about Aaron."

"Mrs. Hotchner, I'm not sure what we have to talk about. However, if that's what you need... I'm sorry, I just got back from a case. Is it possible we could do this face-to-face? Not tonight, maybe tomorrow night?"

"Thank you Emily. I know this is awkward, but I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."

"It's okay, Mrs. Hotchner."

The good thing putting it off her meeting with Haley, Emily thought, was that it meant she didn't have to do it right away. The bad part was she could think of all the things that could go wrong. Fortunately, having the night to think about it gave her some time to think about why Haley could possibly want to talk to her. She was also able to think of the perfect person to help her prepare for the meeting. That she was itching for a reason to talk to him anyway was a happy coincidence.

The next morning at work, she walked over to Reid's desk and sat down in the chair right next to his desk.

"Hey Reid," she said.

Reid looked up from the files he had spread over his desk. He was working on consults when Emily came over. He was so absorbed he hadn't heard her walk over, but he wasn't really surprised by her presence. She was very good at moving silently, he had noticed. It wasn't as if he didn't know she was in the office. He saw her come in. He tried not to think about the fact he was developing a habit of coming early just so he could see her come in and sit at her desk. "What is it?"

"I was looking at your notes from the Hardwick interview, and I had a few questions."

"Questions?" He had to be careful here, he wasn't certain why Emily would be looking at it, but there something in the tone of her voice that bothered him. She had a very specific agenda, but Reid had no clue what it could be.

"I remember at the time you said it was ultimately uneventful. But something happened, didn't it?"

"It's all there. He tried to attack us. He only agreed to meet us so we would be locked in a room alone with him when the guards would be distracted with shift change."

"But that would only work if he was unchained. He couldn't know he would be."

"But he was."

"Why?"

"It's in the notes. Hotch though it would make him more relaxed."

"But he never does with someone as violent as Hardwick. What was different?"

Reid had to make a choice here. He could either find a way to stonewall Emily or he could trust her, and the had to make the decision quickly. She was sharp enough that too long a pause would tell her there was a lot more the story than he had captured in his notes. He remembered that Emily chose to quit rather than let Strauss use her against Hotch. He also remembered how caring Emily had been with him right after Gideon left. He decided to risk it.

"It wasn't an operational decision, if that's what you're wondering."

"So what was it?"

"Hotch made a mistake."

"Reid, he doesn't make mistakes like that. At least, not often."

"Except he had just gotten the divorce papers from Haley."

"So?"

"Emily, you remember you thought Hotch was being more intense because of Gideon?"

"You think it's because of Haley?"

"He all but dared Chester Hardwick to a fistfight Emily. I knew something was off, I just didn't know how bad until we're driving back."

"Is he okay?"

"He's better now. He had a bad moment, I think we all know what that's like. He'll be okay. I think that's why he took time off and had to meet us in Pittsburgh. I think he went to talk to Haley."

"I see."

They were both quiet for a few minutes, then Reid spoke. "Emily, why were you looking over the notes?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why were you looking over the notes?"

"Peer review."

"That was good Emily. Your tone was good, but you've been biting your nails."

"My nails?"

"I've noticed you bite your nails, usually when somethings bothering. At least you did after Gideon left. And every time you bluff when you play cards."

"So?"

"So, how about we stop playing games and you tell me what's going on."

"When we got back from the case ...Haley called me."

"Haley?"

"She wants to talk. So, we're getting together tonight."

"How does she have your number?"

"I gave it to her."

"When?"

"The night we all went out. Remember? You were impressing some people with your Star Trek knowledge? It was right before ...Georgia."

"You mean before Tobias Henkel."

"Yeah."

Reid nodded. "What do you think she wants?"

"You said she sent Hotch the divorce papers?"

"Yeah."

"JJ said Haley called here trying to find Hotch, so I guess he was taking too long to sign them."

"I guess so."

"Did he sign them?"

"I think he was going to."

"You think?" Emily was surprised at Reid's uncertainty.

"He said he was going to. I think that's what he was going to do, even after... Never mind."

"Even after what?"

Reid turned back to his files, hoping she might go away.

She didn't. "Reid, even after what?"

"After I suggested he talk to her before he signed anything."

"Why would you suggest that?"

"I don't think he wants to lose her. And maybe she doesn't really want to end it either."

"She left him and I don't think she's been back since."

"Maybe she wanted him to chase her. Anyway, that doesn't explain why she wants to talk to you."

"Sure it does."

"What do you mean?"

"She knows he didn't transfer out. He broke a promise to her. More importantly he chose the team over her."

"So why talk to you?"

"Because in her mind, it's either loyalty to the team than won out. Or because Hotch wants to chase unsubs instead of have a 9-5 job or..."

"Or what?"

"Or there's someone on the team that has a hold over Hotch."

"A hold?"

"Like someone he's having an affair with. So, if she's going to decide to take him back she needs to know what's happening. Which makes it even more important that I talk to her tonight."

"What are you going to say?"

"I have no idea. I really don't."


	7. Chapter 7

The place that Haley and Emily agreed on for a meeting place was a coffee shop that was about halfway between Haley's house and the BAU. Haley had gotten there first. As she waited for Emily, she remembered the brief conversation she had with her sister before she left.

_"You don't have to do this Haley,"Jessica said._

_"Yes I do," Haley replied. She could keep after Aaron to sign the papers or she could hire a lawyer, but niether decision felt right. So she had to know why Aaron chose to stay with the BAU. She had to know how much of what he said was true and how much was ..._

She shook his head. Did she really think he was lying? She had been so sure when she and Jack left before. So sure, and now she felt herself wavering. She just didn't know what to do anymore. It was a gamble, calling Emily Prentiss, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Hi, I'm sorry if I kept you waiting." Emily sat across from Haley. She had a container of coffee in her hand. Haley hadn't even seen her come in. "I hope you don't mind that got a cup of coffee on my way in, Mrs. Hotchner."

"Haley."

"I'm sorry?"

"You were good enough to meet me here for what we both know is going to be an awkward conversation, call me Haley."

Emily smile politely,"Of course."

Haley didn't know how to start, so she figured she might has well just ask the obvious question. "Are you sleeping with my husband?" Haley didn't know how she expected Emily to react, but she certainly wasn't Emily to sit there calmly.

Emily, however, knew that was exactly the question Haley was going to ask. She hadn't expected so soon in the conversation, and she hasn't expected it to be stated so bluntly. But Emily had all day to steel herself for the question and consider how she would respond once the question was asked.

"You seem to think so, otherwise calling me doesn't make sense. Haley, why do think I'm sleeping with your husband?"

Her response hit Haley like a hammer, for a moment she couldn't speak. "It's the only thing that makes sense."

"I don't understand."

"He had a chance to have a 9-to-5 position. No more travel, no calls in the middle of the night, no more awful cases with files full of terrible crime scenes. And he chose you and the team."

Sometimes, Emily thought, it really sucks being right. A few times during the day, Emily contemplating telling Haley that not only had she never had sex with Hotch, she had no interest in him. There was only one person on the team she thought of that way, but she could tell it really wasn't about Emily. Haley was struggling to know why Hotch hadn't taken the transfer to the White Collar task force.

"Have you asked him why he stayed?"

"Right now, I'm asking you."

"Whatever his reason Haley, it had nothing to do with me. Don't get me wrong, I like your husband, but he and I don't have that kind of relationship. I can't imagine him having that kind of relationship with anyone but you."

"Then why did he stay?"

"All I know is that after his suspension, at the end of the case in Milwaukee he was going to talk to you. He wanted to stay with us, but he had to talk to you first."

Haley couldn't talk. All she could do is glare.

Emily broke the silence," Hotch got more intense after that. I thought it was because Jason Gideon was gone, now I don't think so. I don't know what you've been going through, but I know it can't have been pleasant. I know you would have considered divorce lightly."

"You don't know me. Don't talk to me like you do."

"All right, I don't know you. By the same token, you don't know me. We met once, all you know is I'm on the team, and Hotch wanted to stay on the team rather than take a job with less travel. I can understand why you would want to believe he's having an affair with someone on the team."

"You think I want to believe he's having an affair?"

"I think it's less scary than other possibilities. Staying on the team to be near someone is behavior that's more palatable than the alternative."

"Which is what, exactly?" Haley's tone was filled with venom, but Emily could see fear in her eyes. Emily was filled with compassion for her.

"That the BAU isn't just another posting for Hotch. That it's what he really wants to do."

"Why would that scare me?" Her voice was less harsh now, almost fearful. Emily knew Haley understood this, but she needed someone to tell her she was right.

"Because you know what it means. You know there are two kinds of people in the BAU, people who stay there for a short and people who stay there. And I think you're wise enough to know that the people who stay are a little damaged."

Haley knew she should be able to respond to Emily's words, but she couldn't. She couldn't even form words in her head.

"It's okay to be scared," Emily said. "I think I would be too." Emily put her hands over Haley's on the table.

Haley knew she should be mad at the brunette and that she should tell Emily to move her hand, but the truth was she felt appreciative of the touch.

After a few moments of silence, Emily said,"can I ask a question?"

"Sure." It was almost a whisper.

"Why me? Of the people on the team, why did you think I would be the one he might have an affair with?"

"You said you noticed a change in him? Well so did I. It was right around the time you joined the team. I didn't think anything of it until...until after his suspension and he went to Milwaukee to..."

"You thought he went to be with me."

"Yes."

"But I wasn't there. Not yet. I actually resigned."

"What?"

"The Section Chief wanted him gone. Not just off the team, but out of the Bureau. She brought me on the team, so she hoped I would help her."

"So you resigned instead?"

"I don't like politics. Your husband came to my apartment and convinced to come with him and help the team. I can't say for sure, but I think he was just trying to help the team and make sure the Section Chief didn't punish them."

"For what?"

"For working for Hotch."

"Did he?"

"She," Emily corrected her. "And no, she didn't." She paused and considered what else she should say.

"Emily?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know why Aaron won't sign the divorce papers?"

"Because he doesn't want a divorce. Do you?"

"No. But what I want isn't important."

"Did you think its what he wanted?"

"Emily, if he's going to choose this, to always chase after monsters and have darkness be a part of his life...I can't let Jack grow up with that. I just can't. What kind of a mother would I be if I did that?"

Emily understood. Emily understood that thinking deeply because of a man named Ian Doyle.

"Haley, do ever read fairy tales to Jack?"

"Why?"

"Do you know why we tell those stories over and over again, especially to children?"

She shook her head.

"Some people think it's to tell children that there are monsters in the world, but that's not true. Children already know that monsters exist. We tell children fairy tales to teach them that monsters can be killed."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"The darkness you're afraid of? You can never keep it away, but you can teach Jack how to fight it. Hotch can show him fighting the darkness isn't the same as being a part of it."

"You're wrong Emily."

"No, I'm not. I hope you understand that. I also hope you choose to try to patch things up with Hotch."

"Because you think it will be good for Jack?"

"For Hotch. He needs you and Jack in ways no one knows."

"What do you mean?"

Emily hesitated. Should she tell her about Hardwick? Doesn't she have a right to know? She did, but not from Emily.

"So?" Haley asked again.

"Because no matter what you think," Emily said," he loves you both very much and he needs two of you make him a better man."

Haley had no answer to that.


	8. Chapter 8

Reid's cell phone rang. He looked at the screen identifying the caller as Emily Prentiss, and for a moment he considered ignoring it. Instead, he answered.

"Emily?"

"Hey. I just wanted to let you know how it went."

"How what went?"

"With Haley?"

"Oh." Reid had put Emily's meeting with Haley out of his mind. There was something else occupying his thoughts lately, something that simply hated sharing available space in his mind with anything else. "How did it go?"

"As well as it could have, I guess."

"Did she think...that you and Hotch?"

"Yes. She did."

"What did you tell her?"

"That she was wrong, of course. I almost told her about what happened with Chester Harwick."

"Why?"

"Don't you think she has a right to know?"

"I don't know Emily. I don't know how much I would tell my wife, if I ever had one, about what happens."

"Well, how much do you tell your mother?"

"What do you mean?"

"Garcia told me you write her everyday. Don't you tell her about your cases?"

Reid paused. "I have to be careful about how much I tell her. She finds the work I do very sad, and that's on the days when she isn't railing about the government having it in for her. I'm assuming Garcia told you about my mother's condition."

"Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but don't you think Hotch might tell his wife.."

"What? That he tried to commit suicide by unsub? I wouldn't think it would be what he would tell her when they were on the best of terms. Would you tell someone about that if you didn't have to?"

"Maybe not."

They were both quiet for a little while.

"So," Reid said, "what did you tell her?"

"I told her that Hotch loves her, that he likes his job, and that he needs her."

"Do you think that will change anything?"

"I hope so. Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Why?"

"Well, Haley talked for a little bit at a coffee shop. I didn't really eat and ...I just would like a little company. So, if you didn't have any plans, I thought..."

Reid thought about it. At that moment he was sitting in his car. He was in the parking lot outside St. Stephens Epicopal Church, where there was a meeting of Beltway Clean Cops. It was the closest Reid had ever come to going to a meeting to a 12-step group. He should go in, he knew he should go in. It was the right thing for him to do.

"Sure. Where do you want to go?"

* * *

Sean Hotchner had walked into his apartment 20 minutes before his heard the phone ring. He was exhausted and had collapsed on the bed. This was one of those nights when he thought law school would have been less exhausting than working at the restaurant. When he heard the phone ring many thoughts went through his head, all related to destroying the phone.

He answered it anyway. "Hello?"

"Sean? It's Haley."

The voice of his sister-in-law drove away all the exhaustion he felt. He knew she and Aaron were having problems, and that meant things would have to be very bad for her to call.

"Haley...hi. How's it going?" He hoped he sounded pleasantly surprised to hear her voice.

"I've ...I've been better actually. Sean...I don't know where to start. It's about Aaron."

"Yeah?"

"I...I don't know if he's told you we've been having problems, but..."

"He did. He told me that no one's living at the house."

"That's true. The thing is...I've asked him for a divorce."

"Haley..."

"I just feel like Jack and I are always going to be second-place next to the FBI. And ...look Aaron told me something that I just don't believe can be true and you're the only one who could tell me the truth."

Sean felt a knot form in his stomach. "Yeah?"

"He told me...he told me that Ray Hotchner wasn't his father."

"He never told you before?"

"It's true?"

"Haley, he never told you about Stan?"

"Stan?"

"Stan Ericson, Mom's first husband."

"No. No one ever mentioned him."

"They wouldn't. I just figured he would have told you..I mean..." Then Sean thought about it. "No, I can see why he wouldn't. Haley, I'm not sure this is a conversation we should have over the phone. Where are you staying?"

"With my sister, in Herndon."

"Look, it's crazy at the restaurant right now, can I come see you this weekend? Then we can talk."

"Okay. Right now, though, I just need to know one thing. Aaron said that his father, Stan is it?"

"Yeah?"

"He said Stan...he said he was abusive."

"Truer words were never spoken. I guess that's why Mom was so glad she met Dad."

"Sean, I just don't understand why no one ever mentioned him."

"Well, there a lot reasons. Mostly, I guess, because of what he did to Aaron."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Stan used to hit Mom. Then, after a while he hit Aaron. I guess he used to do it a lot until..."

"Until?"

"Until Aaron was 10."

"Why? What happened then?"

Sean paused. Should he tell her? Or should he beg off until he could tell her face-to-face? He decided to tell her now, might as well get if over with. "Aaron fought back. He hit and kicked and screamed at Stan. I don't know exactly what he did, but I gather that some how he got a kitchen knife and"

"Who got the kitchen knife? Stan?"

"No. Aaron. That's the thing, see, this is how Mom met Dad. Aaron stabbed Stan in the leg. He chased Stan out of the house and Stan went right to the hospital. Well, the doctor at the ER called the police and..."

"And what?"

"Mom said she did it. They arrested Mom for aggravated assault and Aaron spent a couple of nights under the care of social services. Dad was Mom's defense attorney."

Haley was stunned. She didn't know what to say.

"I never knew," she said at last.

"It's something no one likes to talk about. The same way no one ever talked Dad's affairs. Look, Haley, I don't know what's been going on between you two but he needs you. Whether you know it or not, you and Jack are good for him."

"You're second person to tell me that tonight, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"Whether he's good for us."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set before the events of "Elephant's Memory"

Wednesday morning Aaron Hotchner was in his office at 7:30AM. He was getting used to getting to work early; it was easy when he was the only one at home.

Home. He was beginning to think of his apartment as home. That was a scary thought, and he shoved it away as soon as it filled his head. He began going over reports and case files as he could. Anything to not think about the prospect of accepting his new reality, on where home wasn't where Jack and Haley were. It was while he was trying to bury himself in paperwork when there was a knock on his door.

"Hotch? Can we talk?"

Aaron looked up to see Emily Prentiss. He looked at her and stole a glance at the clock. It was just a little after 7:30AM. It was unusual for her to be here this early.

"Sure Emily. What is it?"

Emily closed the door behind her and sat down in the chair right in front of his desk. That's ominous, Hotch thought.

"I think we need to talk," Emily said. She hoped she wasn't shaking. She had given this talk a lot of thought, and thought she owed Hotch a heads up regarding her meeting with Haley.

"About what?"

"Haley called me."

"Haley?"

"She thought we needed to talk."

"About what?"

"She thought you might be having an affair."

Hotch closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb for a few moments. Then he opened his eyes and looked at Prentiss. "And she thought you would tell her who I might be having an affair with?"

"Actually, she thought I was the most likely candidate."

Aaron's eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up. He never thought Haley would accuse someone on the team directly. Did Haley actually think he was having an affair? It wasn't just something she said to him in the heat of an argument.

"I'm sorry, Emily."

Emily gave him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about me, Hotch," she said. "She told me you haven't signed the divorce papers."

"No."

"I'm ...I'm not trying to pry, but what are you going to do? About her you and her, I mean?"

"Well, my wife just accused you having an affair, so maybe ..." He stopped, suddenly uncertain just what to say.

"Hotch, do you think the two of you are going to work things out?"

"I don't Emily. I want to believe it but... I think she's already made up her mind."

This was the part of the conversation that Emily was uncertain about. She talked about this with Reid last night. She wanted to tell Hotch he should tell Haley about his interview with Hardwick. Reid didn't think, based on Haley's concerns, was a good idea. Emily thought it was the right thing for Hotch to do. Her biggest concern, however, was telling Hotch to do it without revealing Reid had told her. Reid said that wasn't important.

Reid would never know how much Emily admired him for that.

"Hotch...I don't think she's made her mind up as much as you think. I think she doesn't know what to think. I think she thought you would just sign the papers. I think she doesn't know how to reconcile you being on the team with ...I think she's scared that you would chose to stay with us instead of transferring to someplace with less travel."

"You think if I transferred it would change things?"

"I don't know. Maybe." She paused. Maybe Reid was right, maybe it wasn't a good for Hotch to tell Haley about what happened. Then again...

"Hotch," she said cautiously," I was looking over the notes of the Hardwick interview."

"Yes?"

"I was...curious about your decision to not have Hardwick restrained during the interview."

"I made a mistake. I ignored the security tones and I put both Reid's and my safety in jeopardy."

"Hotch, did you...tell Haley what happened?"

"Why would I?"

"I...I think the reason she wanted to talk with me is she knows there's things you don't tell her."

"She doesn't like knowing how bad it is. And there's no benefit in telling her about what happened."

"I think it depends why you ignored the tones."

"I just made a mistake."

"We both know there's no such thing. We analyze every decision people make in forming profiles all the time. Reid said you all but dared Hardwick to attack you."

"You talked with Reid about this?"

"Please don't blame him."

Hotch shook his head. "I don't. I read the notes he wrote about the interview, too. He put everything in a very nice light. I owe him for that."

"I think you should tell Haley about what happened and why."

"What good would it do?"

"Hotch, either you're right and Haley has already made up her mind or she hasn't quite made up her mind."

"So?"

"So, if she has made up her mind then nothing you say can change her mind. But if, as I think, she hasn't quite made up her mind, then telling her is the best thing you can do."

"Why? I think it would just confirm her fears."

"No. Her fear is that she's lost you. To us and to the unsubs. There is only one way to convince her otherwise, you have to let her be a part of it. You have to tell her everything;about how much you struggle, about your mistakes and your victories. You have to tell her enough about everything to let her know that you still think of her as your partner in everything."

"You think that will change her mind?"

"I think there's a part of her that what's to do she's a part of you, and not just a part of you when you're not chasing unsubs."

"There's a good chance telling her more will convince her she's better off without me."

"Maybe. But if you're going to profile her and let that keep you from telling things you might as well sign the papers now. Keeping secrets is never good for relationships."

They were both silent, and for a moment Emily wondered if she had gone too far.

"Maybe you're right," Hotch said. "In any case, Emily, thank you."

"For what?"

"For the heads up. And the advice. You and Reid are good friends."

"Reid?"

"If it wasn't for him, I would have just signed the papers. He convinced me to keep trying."


	10. Chapter 10

It was 3 am, and Haley was awake.

Well, awake might have been overstating the case. She wasn't asleep, that was certain. She went to bed at 11:00pm, and, for some reason, she was half awake. It wasn't unusual for her wake up for a few moments in the middle of night, but she usually went back to sleep.

Not tonight though. Tonight she lay there for ten minutes not quite awake, but unable to fall back asleep. Instead she lay her hand out reaching for someone who wouldn't be there.

Aaron.

Four months after she walked out on him, something woke her up and made her yearn for him. It was that sudden yearning for him that made her cry. She didn't feel like she had a good reason to cry, after all _she_ walked out on _him._ _She_ made the choice to get a divorce. But no matter what, she couldn't make the yearning go away. For 15 minutes, she felt the tears come down her cheeks as she felt the visceral yearning for Aaron's presence come upon her.

The bed felt empty without her husband. It felt strange to think of him as her husband, since it had been so long since they lived under the same roof, but that moment of strangeness passed. For 15 glorious minutes she thought about what it felt like to have the warmth of his body next to hers. She remembered how safe and comforting it felt. More than that, though, she remembered the sensation of his fingers entwined with hers when they slept in the same bed. She remembered how it made her feel loved.

Then, as suddenly as it came, the yearning for Aaron subsided.

The last thought she had before she drifted off to sleep was how empty she suddenly felt.

* * *

There were times that Aaron Hotchner thought Erin Strauss hated him. He would never admit to this belief in public, but privately it made sense to him. It would certainly explain why she felt the need to meet with him every few weeks with the apparent express purpose of tearing him and his team apart. On a Wednesday morning, he had one of these meetings with her and, at the end, felt like her personal punching bag.

As he walked back to the BAU offices, he found himself hoping for a case that required travel. Almost as if answer to his inner dialogue, JJ came out to meet him just before he came into the bullpen. As soon as he saw her, Hotch had a momentary feeling of guilt. He would hate for the universe to dispatch an unsub to kill, rape, and maim just so he could get far away from Erin Strauss.

"Do we have a case," he asked JJ.

"No sir, but you have a visitor."

"A visitor?"

"Haley."

"What?" Maybe it was a different Haley, not his estranged wife but someone else.

"Your wife. She came here while you were in with Strauss. She's waiting in your office."

Aaron stared looking at JJ for a moment, unable to move. Then he thanked JJ, and walked with increased speed and purpose. A million things went through his mind as he made his way into the bullpen, ignoring the looks of everyone, and went into his office.

As soon as he entered his office, closed the door behind him and looked at Haley. _She looks tired._

"I'm sorry, I should have called first but I..." she began.

"It's okay. What's wrong?"

She laughed.

As he watched her laugh, he started being annoyed at her laughter. Then he was worried. Then he was bemused. Then he started laughing too. For two minutes they just stood there laughing without knowing why.

"I'm sorry," she said when she stopped laughing. "It's just, where do I start? Everything's wrong. And I ...It isn't funny."

"Sometimes laughter is the response we give when words fail us."

"I see."

They were quiet for a minute.

"So," Aaron began," why are you here?"

"I ...I did something I shouldn't have."

"Oh?"

"I called one of your agents."

"Agent Prentiss?"

"She told you?"

He nodded.

"She told you what we talked about?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? It isn't like you haven't told me about your suspicions before."

"But I knew better. Even when I said it before, I knew it wasn't true, could never be true. I just ... I also talked to Sean."

"Oh?"

"About Stan Ericson."

"I see." His face tightened as he clenched his jaw at the mention of his biological father.

"I didn't believe you. I just...I couldn't believe no one has ever mentioned him before."

"How much did Sean tell you?"

"He told me how you chased Stan off when you were 10. About what the police did. How Ray was your mother's lawyer and then..."

He sighed. In truth, he was relieved. It actually felt good to have the family secret out. "So," he asked," what do you think?"

"I don't know what to think anymore. It's a lot to take in, to tell you the truth."

"I see."

"Aaron, do you have the divorce papers here?"

"I haven't signed them."

"Good."

"Good?"

"That's what I said."

"I don't understand, I thought you wanted..."

"I told you, I don't know what to think anymore. I'm sure what I want anymore. Right now, though, I know I don't want a divorce. Not yet, anyway. You're right, I rushed into that idea, and I'm sorry."

"I ..." Aaron was trying to tell her it was okay, but the words stuck in his throat.

"Let me hold onto the divorce papers, for now."

"What do we do next?"

"I don't know. I didn't have a plan. I just...I woke up at three this morning and just wanted you there. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know I don't want to keep going on like this."

Aaron knew he should say something, but he didn't know what to say.

"I was wondering," Haley said.

"Yes"

"I was wondering what you thought about...coming this weekend. You know, just staying with me and Jack for a few days. Just to see...I mean, if you don't have a case."

"Even if we do have a case."

"Aaron you don't have to do that."

"I sure do."

"Aaron..."

"I know coming here today was hard, and so was talking to Prentiss and Sean. The least I could do is meet you half-way."

"Thank you."

He reached his hand out to shake hers, and in response she hugged him. Then he kissed her on the cheek. For a moment he was afraid he overstepped his bounds, but then she kissed him.

It was a light kiss on the lips, but it was a kiss.

"I'm not making any promises," she said.

"I weekend with the two of you is enough."

"All right. Bring the papers. We'll think of something to do with them."

"Ok."

And with that, she left.


	11. Chapter 11

Emily Prentiss was asleep. That wasn't a new experience, she slept all the time.

She was having a dream, that also happened all the time.

This particular dream was one she had all the time. Well, maybe not all the time – but it was definitely a recurring dream.

She was in bed, but it was morning. She had a single white sheet on top of her. In bed next to her, was her lover. He removed the sheet and started planting kisses along her spine, while she gently moaned from the pleasure of the experience. He started at the base of her spine, then slowly worked his way up her spine until he reached her neck.

Then he turned her over, and they began kissing each other. She could feel his harness, then soon he was inside her. She moaned louder and louder, as his momentum increased until they both climaxed simultaneously.

Then her lover embraced her as they snuggled close to each other.

"Good morning," she would always say. What her dream lover would say varied.

Who her lover was, would always vary as well.

Tonight, it was Spencer Reid.

"Every morning when I wake up next to you," he said.

When Emily opened her eyes, she was alone. "Oh crap," she said.

She got out of bed and went into her bathroom. She splashed water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror.

It was the third time in as many weeks that she had a sex dream about Spencer Reid.

"You have got to be careful Emily," she said to her reflection. "If you don't get these feelings under control, you are going to do something you will regret. Something crazy."

Like talking to yourself?

She sighed and went back to bed.

* * *

At the same time Emily was struggling with her sex dream about Spencer Reid, Haley was experiencing an unusual reality. Her estranged husband was next to her in bed.

It wasn't exactly what she had anticipated when she invited him to spend the weekend. She thought they would spend time together as a family. It would be good for Jack to see his father. She also thought maybe it would be good for to spend time with Aaron when she wasn't trying to force him into signing the divorce papers.

What she didn't really anticipate was how much it would feel like some of the old days, when they were regular family living in the same house. It was the old Aaron she remembered – the one who smiled a gentle, happy smile. The one who auditioned for the school play when he had absolutely no talent just to meet her. The one who was full of joy and laughter.

She had meant for him to stay in the guest bedroom. After Jack went to bed, however, something happened, and they ended up in bed together.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Not the kissing, the removal of clothes, or the eventual lovemaking.

As they lay next to each other, she said," You do realize this doesn't mean everything goes back to the way it was, right?"

"I know."

"This was nice, but …"

"This is just one weekend. I know."

"I still don't understand why you have to do this job. I still don't you to bring that darkness home. I just…"

"So what does this mean?"

"I don't know. I was so certain about the divorce. And then…"

"You missed me?"

"I learned somethings I didn't know before. And I missed you – a little. Maybe more than a little."

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know. I thought once you were here I'd …I don't know, Aaron."

"Haley, I'm not going to leave the BAU. I can't. I know it doesn't make sense to you but …"

"You can't let go of it, can you?"

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't."

Haley sighed. "It scares me, that you can't walk away from that place. I'm scared what that means."

"I don't know what to say. Is there someway we can work through this?"

"I don't know. The only thing I can think of is…"

"Yes?"

She swallowed. She knew what she was going to suggest. She thought about it all week. It scared her, but she knew it shouldn't. "Counseling."

"Counseling?"

"I don't know if I can accept what it means that you won't leave the BAU. But, we can't keep living like this. But maybe…maybe if we worked with someone. I don't know."

"I'm willing to try if you are."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"What if we can't reconcile our differences?"

"Then I'll accept it, as long as we both try."

"OK."

"Until then?"

"If you're asking about us living together, I'm not ready to do that. Not yet, anyway,"

"I can accept that."

"Okay. Good."

* * *

Spencer Reid couldn't sleep.

Every time he started to drift off to sleep, he heard a gunshot.

The same gunshot he had been hearing for two weeks. The gunshot when Jack Vaughn shot and killed Ryan Phillips.

Reid had tried to stop him from killing Ryan, but he couldn't.

"When will the violence end," Reid asked Jack.

"Tomorrow."

That was the gunshot that bothered Reid's dreams and was keeping him up.

When would he stop hearing it.

When?

It wasn't that Ryan was an innocent bystander - he did terrible things. But Reid couldn't get past that he didn't save him.


End file.
